Album Review – Ahola / Tug Of War (2014)

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5

A new Teräsbetoni album would have been a lot better for all of us.

Rating6

coverIt looks like Finnish singer and songwriter J. Ahola is really determined to go on with his solo project, Heavy Metal/Hard Rock band Ahola, which means that unfortunately there’s no sign of a new Teräsbetoni album anytime soon. In fact, Ahola seems to be his main band now, not only a project, but I really wish it was the other way round, especially after listening to his new album Tug Of War.

Albeit Ahola’s new album is a million light-years away from being bad music, and the musicians involved are very competent, Tug Of War lacks all that originality and especially the punch from any of the Teräsbetoni albums. In other words, for a guy that has been in a band responsible for powerful classics such as “Taivas Lyö Tulta”, “Metallisydän” and “Missä Miehet Ratsastaa”, it’s hard to accept generic material with song titles like “I Need You” and “Dog”, and it’s even worse due to the bland way he’s using his voice.

The End of the Line opens the album and, despite its promising intro, lacks a lot of energy in its entirety, especially J. Ahola’s vocals which are not what we all wanted to hear. Road of Creation is a more Doom Metal track with his voice sounding a lot better, but again it’s not a great song; and the title-track Tug of War is stronger than the previous tracks but still lacks that “it” factor.

Tug Of War continues with the two best songs of all: On the Run, a nice Hard Rock track with an interesting chorus; and  Still Metal, a song that keeps us wondering how awesome the whole album would have been if it had the same Manowar-ish approach as here. Fortunately, Rock’n’Roll is another solid song (although too generic) that keeps the momentum, but on the other hand One Among the Crowd is a weak ballad and the worst track of all, and followed by the generic The Final Incantation drags the album back to just regular.

AholaThings do not get better with The Will You Always Had, a totally forgettable song, and I Need You, which sounds like a tired Teräsbetoni playing. And finally, we have Dog, an average Hard Rock track with a bad chorus (feel like a dog, really?); Age of Hubris, with some good riffs to elevate the album level a little; and Beerland 2, a total waste of time.

And I’m not even complaining about the fact he’s singing in English now, as I understand (although do not agree) that the Finnish language was kind of limiting his boundaries. The real problem here is that Ahola sound like a sell-off, like something made just for money. I know we cannot expect Ahola and Teräsbetoni to be the same, but it’s sad to see such a talented Power Metal musician, a guy that loves Manowar, Rainbow and Deep Purple, doing some generic material. May the power of the mighty Odin open his eyes and take him back to what he does best: awesome Power Metal.

Best moments of the album: On the Run and Still Metal.

Worst moments of the album: One Among the Crowd, The Final Incantation, The Will You Always Had and Beerland 2.

Released in 2014 Playground Music

Track listing
1. The End of the Line 4:30
2. Road of Creation 5:15
3. Tug of War 4:02
4. On the Run 3:17
5. Still Metal 4:03
6. Rock’n’Roll 3:48
7. One Among the Crowd 4:27
8. The Final Incantation 5:18
9. The Will You Always Had 3:16
10. I Need You 4:29
11. Dog 4:20
12. Age of Hubris 3:28
13. Beerland 2 2:24

Band members
J. Ahola – vocals, guitar
Jari Laitinen – bass
Antti Mäkelä – drums
Antti Karhumaa – lead guitar

Album Review – Cauldron Black Ram / Stalagmire (2014)

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The music from Down Under has never been so obscure and devilish.

Rating5

CoverIt’s time to visit our friends from Down Under in search for some well-executed heavy music. However, this time our focus is not the traditional Hard Rock from AC/DC or Airbourne, but the extreme music from Australian Black/Death Metal band Cauldron Black Ram and their new album, the 100% evil Stalagmire.

The band has been on the road for quite a while, more specifically since 1996, having already released a couple of demos and full-length albums, but of course due to their raw, unpolished and gruesome musicality, it was pretty hard for them to reach a bigger and more diversified audience in the past. At least the Internet has evolved a lot in the past few years  and nowadays even headbangers from the other side of the world (like here in Canada) are able to enjoy the music from bands like this obscure Australian crew.

The opening track is a very good sample of what Cauldron Black Ram are capable of doing:  Fork Through Pitch is a diabolic mix of Death and Doom Metal, with traditional instrumental and harsh vocals that will please all fans of extreme music, especially because of the band’s previously mentioned rough production. The following track, Maw, goes on with the obscurity with its melancholic intro, good old-style riffs and vocals even more devilish than the previous song, while Discarded Death is a more Black Metal tune, where the good pace of drums and the deeper growling make it pure evil.

A Litany of Sailors Sins is a really slow-paced and dark tune, sometimes so macabre and heavy that I think people who are not really into Death and Black Metal will feel bad after listening to it. Well, that’s one of the main objectives of this type of music, right? Anyway, the nice guitar solo mixed with fast drumming by the end of the song gives it an extra dose of energy, which ends up preparing us for Bats, the fastest track of the album, full of awesome screaming and twisted riffs heavier than hell, and in my humble opinion one of the best songs of Stalagmire.

Cauldron-Black-RamCavern Fever is pretty decent instrumental track similar to Cannibal Corpse’s “Relentless Beating”, showcasing the talent of the musicians, while From Whence the Old Skull Came should be chosen as the perfect soundtrack to apocalypse: it might have a very simple and repetitive riff, but it’s at the same time extremely effective in sending the message desired by the band.

Finally, we have another extremely rudimentary track, The Devil’s Trotters, which not only sounds like the Devil himself is singing in it, but it also has some excellent rude bass lines that make it stand out from all other tracks of the album; and the obscure Speliogenesis, a song that could easily summarize pain, agony, sadness and despair in music if someone asked you to do that. Moreover, its pure Doom Metal vocals and extremely dense riffs help closing the album in the most demonic way possible.

The album art is as primitive as their music, and besides that, one interesting characteristic I could notice in their music was the addition of many elements from Stoner Metal the likes of Down and Crowbar, and even some hints of the Doom Metal played by Danzig and Black Sabbath, which in the end is undoubtedly healthful for the band and its future in heavy music.

In short, if you enjoy “evil” music, Stalagmire is a very good option to invest your hard-earned money, which can be done at the 20 Buck Spin official webshop (both the CD and the LP versions of the album are available there) or you can stream it and download it at the 20 Buck Spin Bandcamp page.

Best moments of the album: Fork Through Pitch, Bats and The Devil’s Trotters.

Worst moments of the album: Maw and Discarded Death.

Released in 2014 20 Buck Spin

Track listing
1. Fork Through Pitch 3:19
2. Maw 3:20
3. Discarded Death 4:07
4. A Litany of Sailors Sins 4:16
5. Bats 3:37
6. Cavern Fever 2:35
7. From Whence the Old Skull Came 3:13
8. The Devil’s Trotters 4:13
9. Speliogenesis 4:23

Band members
Esh – drums, vocals
Alim – guitar, vocals
Ben Newsome – vocals, bass

Album Review – Delain / The Human Contradiction (2014)

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Very symphonic, professional and pleasant. That’s the new album from Delain.

Rating4

coverIf the only Heavy Metal band you know from the Netherlands is Within Temptation, and especially if you are a fan of their work, you have to listen to the new album by Dutch Symphonic Metal band Delain, named The Human Contradiction. The band was formed in 2002 by former Within Temptation keyboardist Martijn Westerholt, which explains all the similarities between his current and his former bands, and the gorgeous redhead singer Charlotte Wessels, another good example of how talent and beauty always walk hand in hand in the Netherlands.

Delain might not be that new, but it seems that the quality of their music and overall production has achieved a higher level with The Human Contradiction, with all instruments sounding pretty clear and Charlotte’s voice being very polished and strong. Moreover, if the band has already toured so many different countries with their previous records, I believe this time their music will take them to even further places, which is something they deserve due to all their hard work to produce high quality heavy music.

Talking about each track of the album, we have an excellent beginning with Here Come The Vultures, a 6-minute song (which is a bold move to open an album nowadays, as the attention span of people doesn’t seem to go over 3 minutes) with a beautiful intro by Charlotte Wessels and dark and heavy riffs that work pretty well to warm us up for the rest of the album; and Your Body Is A Battleground, the first track to feature Finnish bassist Marco Hietala (Nightwish), who does a great duet with Charlotte and makes me wonder how good this song will sound live if he joins the band for a few concerts. The lyrics to this song are also an interesting and effective part of it (“Any disorder? / No restriction / Too hard to handle? / No hesitation / For your protection / Just an injection / We’ll write you a letter / The younger, the better”), making the overall result even better.

delainStardust showcases a good duo of drums and keyboards and has an excellent chorus, while My Masquerade, despite its more commercial approach (especially the chorus), is another good song from the album. Then come Tell Me, Mechanist, featuring Dutch musician George Oosthoek (Celestial Season, ex-Orphanage) doing guttural vocals in another great duet with Charlotte; and Sing To Me, another good song with Marco as a guest musician, although not as powerful as the first one.

The last songs of the regular version of the album are Army Of Dolls, an average song with its “80’s dance music” intro, which might sound better live; the beautiful Lullaby, a more gothic track with dense riffs, atmospheric keyboards, and Charlotte kickin’ ass on vocals one more time; and The Tragedy Of The Commons, featuring Alissa White-Gluz (Arch Enemy, ex-The Agonist), a very symphonic track where Alissa’s characteristic guttural vocals add a lot of energy to it.

Although the regular album is relatively short, if you purchase the special edition you’ll put your hands on a lot of excellent extra material, including songs like the beautiful ballad Scarlet, excellent live versions for some of the bands old songs and even of the new My Masquerade, which sounds a lot more powerful live, and unique orchestral versions for two of their new songs. It’s surely the wisest choice if you’re a fan of Delain’s music, or even if you’re just starting to know the band better.

To sum up, The Human Contradiction is a very consistent and pleasant album, perfect for fans of Symphonic Metal with female vocals. And if the band is performing live in your town this year, don’t miss the chance to check them. It’s an awesome choice for taking your boyfriend or girlfriend and enjoying together some good heavy music from a non-arena band, which is something we really need to support nowadays.

Best moments of the album: Here Come The Vultures, Your Body Is A Battleground and Lullaby.

Worst moments of the album: Sing To Me and Army Of Dolls.

Released in 2014 Napalm Records

Track listing
1. Here Come The Vultures 6:05
2. Your Body Is A Battleground (feat. Marco Hietala) 3:49
3. Stardust 3:56
4. My Masquerade 3:43
5. Tell Me, Mechanist (feat. George Oosthoek) 4:51
6. Sing To Me (feat. Marco Hietala) 5:08
7. Army Of Dolls 4:55
8. Lullaby 4:54
9. The Tragedy Of The Commons (feat. Alissa White-Gluz) 4:30

Special Edition bonus tracks
10. Scarlet 4:36
11. Don’t Let Go 3:56
12. My Masquerade (Live) 5:02
13. April Rain (Live) 4:45
14. Go Away (Live) 3:42
15. Sever (Live) 4:54
16. Stay Forever (Live) 4:31
17. Sing To Me (Orchestral Version) 3:41
18. Your Body Is A Battleground (Orchestral Version) 3:20

Band members
Charlotte Wessels – vocals
Martijn Westerholt – keyboards
Otto Schimmelpenninck van der Oije – bass
Sander Zoer – drums
Timo Somers – guitar

Guest musicians
Marco Hietala – clean male vocals
George Oosthoek – death growls
Alissa White-Gluz – clean female vocals & death growls

Album Review – Lacuna Coil / Broken Crown Halo (2014)

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Milan-based Heavy Metal icons are back with another good album that will please their fans for sure.

Rating5

lacuna_coil_bchSome like to call them Alternative Metal, some Gothic Metal, and some even Alternative Rock. No matter which definition you believe suits them better, Italian band Lacuna Coil have always been recognized as one of the most creative and influential bands in heavy music from the past two decades, and now Andrea Ferro, la bella ragazza Cristina Scabbia & Co. return with another good album, Broken Crown Halo, which according to the band was in part influenced by classic Italian horror movies, and it’s also the last to feature drummer Cristiano “Criz” Mozzati and guitarist Cristiano “Pizza” Migliore.

We must admit it might be pretty hard for the band to stay relevant and generate innovative material after all those years on the road, but this Milan-based band always manages to provide us something that’s at least enjoyable, which is the case with this new album. I don’t know how much the departure of Criz and Pizza might have impacted the recording of Broken Crown Halo, nor how this will affect the band’s live performances, but one thing we can rest assured: the album is not disappointing at all.

Nothing Stands in Our Way opens the album in a very traditional “Lacuna Coil” way, with some good riffs and keyboards together with Cristina’s potent voice, making it one of the best tracks of the album. Then we have a more Heavy Metal track called Zombies, in which Andrea and Cristina do a very good job, with highlights also to the pretty cool and strong bass lines, followed by Hostage to the Light, which gets the album back to a more gothic atmosphere (especially due to its beautiful vocal lines).

Victims follows almost the same line as the previous track, although not as good and sometimes too generic, while Die & Rise sounds very alternative with some electronic elements. Can it be considered some kind of “heavy dance music”? Anyway, the next track I Forgive (But I Won’t Forget Your Name) reminds me a little of Within Temptation, albeit too repetitive and even too pop for a heavy music album.

lacuna_coilBroken Crown Halo goes on with another alternative semi-ballad called Cybersleep, which is not engaging at all; Infection, a heavier track with Nu Metal bass lines and an interesting chorus; and one of my favorites, I Burn in You, with its vocals, harmony and rhythm inspired by some good old 80’s Gothic Rock mixed with the musicality of bands like Paradise Lost and The Gathering. I wish they had added more of this to the album, as it’s really pleasurable to listen to and avoids that “generic” feeling we’re all afraid of finding in our favorite bands’ material.

The last two tracks of Broken Crown Halo are the good In the End I Feel Alive, especially because of its heavy riffs and bass lines (which I really enjoyed) and another very cohesive vocal duet, and the melancholic ballad One Cold Day, the longest track of the album totally focused on piano passages, beautiful lyrics and Cristina’s delicate vocals. By the way, what else can be said about Cristina that hasn’t been said yet? She’s totally awesome.

In summary, Broken Crown Halo will please almost all fans of the band, because although it’s not a masterpiece it’s far from being a “schifo” (as the band members would say), and the talent and professionalism of the whole band is always remarkable. Besides, in my opinion it’s slightly better than its predecessor, Dark Adrenaline, or at least less pop, which is a good thing for Heavy Metal fans like myself that prefer the heavy riffs found in this album than any overproduced videos or excessive cheesiness done just to make more money, and therefore it will help the band keep their fire burning for many years to come.

Best moments of the album: Nothing Stands in Our Way, Hostage of the Light, I Burn in You and In the End I Feel Alive.

Worst moments of the album: Victims, I Forgive (But I Won’t Forget Your Name) and Cybersleep.

Released in 2014 Century Media

Track listing
1. Nothing Stands in Our Way 4:07
2. Zombies 3:47
3. Hostage to the Light 3:56
4. Victims 4:31
5. Die & Rise 3:44
6. I Forgive (But I Won’t Forget Your Name) 3:56
7. Cybersleep 4:26
8. Infection 4:23
9. I Burn in You 4:15
10. In the End I Feel Alive 4:21
11. One Cold Day 6:09

Band members
Cristina Scabbia – vocals
Andrea Ferro – vocals
Marco Coti Zelati – bass
Marco ‘Maus’ Biazzi – guitars
Cristiano ‘Pizza’ Migliore* – guitars
Cristiano ‘Criz’ Mozzati* – drums

*Retired from the band in February 2014

Metal Chick of the Month – Linda McDonald

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Scream for me, Linda!

Not many girls accept the challenge to “hide” their beauty behind a drum kit, but when they dare to pick up the drumsticks and start playing, the results are usually awesome. That’s exactly the case with our Metal babe this month, the amazing Heavy Metal/Hard Rock drummer Linda McDonald, also known as “Nikki McBurrain”, from the all-female Iron Maiden tribute band The Iron Maidens, and “Brandy Castillo”, from the all-female Ozzy Osbourne tribute band The Little Dolls . Besides those two tribute projects, she’s also the drummer for the cover bands Valley Dolls, Crabby Patty (I’m So Unclear!) and Unholy Pink, and the drummer/co-founder of the all-female Heavy Metal band Phantom Blue from its start back in 1987 until they parted ways in 2001.

Of Irish and Japanese descent, which kind of explains her exotic traces, Linda Ann McDonald was born in the city of Great Falls, Montana, United States, and by the age of 4 she was already drumming on her mom’s kitchen plastic containers, then taking guitar, piano, drums and violin lessons. Linda also attended several drumming and ear training courses at the Dick Grove School of Music to improve her playing skills.

Her biggest idols in the world of music are of course the beasts Clive Burr (R.I.P.) and Nicko McBrain, but she also mentions important drummers such as Simon Phillips, John Bonham, Alex Van Halen and Phil Collins as other influences in her music style. Linda is currently endorsed by Paiste cymbals, Vic Firth drumsticks, Drum Workshop drums, pedals and hardware, Coffin Case and Monster Energy Drink, and in terms of success and media, she has been featured in lots of music magazines such as Kerrang!, Metal Hammer and Modern Drummer, some Heavy Metal/Hard Rock radio shows, as well as The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and won many prizes including “Best Drummer/Performance of Drums and Percussion” at the 7th Annual LA Music Awards in 1997, and “Best Female Drummer” at the  3rd and 7th Annual Rock City News Awards Show, in 1998 and 2001 respectively.

Although she’s more recognized nowadays for her contribution to the music of The Iron Maidens, in my opinion the most electrifying moment of her career were her years smashing the drums with the amazing band Phantom Blue, with whom she recorded two full-length studio albums entitled Phantom Blue (1989) and Built to Perform (1993), an album of previously recorded demos called Prime Cuts & Glazed Donuts (1995), the live album Caught Live! (1997), and finally the EP Full Blown (1998). If you don’t know anything about this band, I suggest you listen to the entire Built to Perform album HERE: it’s impossible not to bang your head with this pure Hard Rock release. Despite the band breaking up in 2001, Linda and Courtney Cox, one of her bandmates from The Iron Maidens, joined former Phantom Blue members Kim Nielsen-Parsons, Gigi Hangach (who was the inspiration for one of our previous Metal chicks, Mia Coldheart) and Tina Wood for a reunion at a very special öne night only” concert in 2009 for the benefit of brain research in memory of Phantom Blue co-founder Michelle Meldrum, who died of a cystic growth in her brain in 2008.

With The Iron Maidens, Linda has recorded the albums World’s Only Female Tribute to Iron Maiden (2005) and Route 666 (2007), the EP The Root of All Evil (2008), and a video in 2010 entitled Metal Gathering Tour Live in Japan 2010. You can find a lot of excellent videos from Linda and the other “Iron Maidens” kickin’ ass on YouTube, as for example this amazing version for The Evil That Men Do live in Las Vegas in 2012. And it’s easy to understand why The Iron Maidens are so good in what they do: according to Linda, excelling as a tribute band is all about recreating the whole live show vibe of the original band, including first of all the sound, with the stage, clothing and signature moves of the members up next.

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When asked about her favorite Iron Maiden songs to perform live, she always mentions the unparalleled classics Phantom of the Opera and Revelations as her top ones, mainly due to all the power and emotion they have. Furthermore, our gorgeous drummer considers the superb Maiden Japan as one of the most important albums of her life: in her own words, “Clive Burr is just on fire on that recording!”, and it was Clive’s perfect drumming on that album that made her decide to play the drums. Besides Maiden Japan, Linda said she would truly love to play the all-time classic Somewhere In Time from beginning to end one day. What can I say about that? That would be an impeccable concert without a shadow of a doubt.

In addition, among her favorite non-Iron Maiden bands and musicians, there’s a lot of awesomeness such as Pantera, Judas Priest, Stormtroopers of Death (S.O.D.), Steve Vai, some non-traditional Heavy Metal bands and artists like Static X and System of a Down, and even Barry Manilow. Linda also mentioned during one of her interviews that the song Fast as a Shark, one of Accept’s biggest classics and by far my favorite song from those Teutonic Heavy Metal masters, really opened her eyes to the power of Heavy Metal. All those formidable choices just corroborate her marvelous taste for music, don’t you agree?

And at long last, Linda is also an avid pet lover, having a dog, a cat and a parakeet in her home. I wonder if she has ever tried to teach any of those animals how to do that weird scream Nicko always does in between some songs during an Iron Maiden concert, or how they react to her intense drumming and to the music she listens to at home. Anyway, one thing I’m certain about is that those are really lucky pets.

Linda McDonald’s Official Facebook page
Linda McDonald’s Official Twitter
The Iron Maidens’ Official Facebook page
The Iron Maidens’ Official Twitter

“I just love knowing you are able to touch people with music and love sharing that connection.” – Linda McDonald

Album Review – Steel Panther / All You Can Eat (2014)

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The Panther is back with another good album, although not as captivating as their previous ones.

Rating5

Steel-Panther-All-You-Can-EatAfter three long years waiting for more profanity, boobs, pussy and especially good heavy music, American Heavy Metal/Hard Rock band Steel Panther is finally back with their third full-length album, the good All You Can Eat. And that’s the main issue with this album: it’s only good, not awesome, and very few songs are truly exciting or memorable.

Of course we were not expecting anything so fuckin’ awesome such as the classics Death To All But Metal, The Shocker, Asian Hooker, Tomorrow Night or Gold-Digging Whore, not even that the whole album was as original as Feel The Steel and Balls Out, but the lack of punch and the annoying repetition of most of the choruses make me wonder if the band was feeling “tired” while recording All You Can Eat, and even if they recorded it only as an excuse for more touring and selling more merchandise.

However, the “Fanthers” don’t need to get too worried about it, as the Panther’s main characteristics are still there keeping the album at a good level: their talent as musicians continues to be impeccable, especially Michael Starr’s voice, and their lyrics full of profanity and obscenity give the album that special touch that makes us laugh while listening to it in our cars even during a snow storm or a traffic jam. Moreover, another positive thing in the album is the addition of some elements from Blues and Thrash Metal, giving some tracks an extra dose of originality.

And the album starts in a very promising way with the heavy and funny (and undoubtedly one of the best of all tracks) Pussywhipped, with its “epic” intro and amazing riffs and drums, and Party Like Tomorrow is the End of the World, the album’s first single with inspiring lyrics (“Have sex (yeah!) / With every female of the species he say / The end is near (yeah!) / So don’t you worry about the HIV”) and a video (see below) that cannot be described with words. Well, if I do so, this website will probably be banned due to censorship.

Steel PantherThen we have the amazing Gloryhole, which is exactly what we want to listen to when the band is Steel Panther: it’s by far the most Hard Rock of all tracks, with Michael Starr at his best, and it’s impossible not to sing along with the lyrics (“I don’t wanna know / Who will suck my cock tonight”). The following two tracks are totally forgettable songs called Bukkake Tears, which is not a bad ballad but at the same time nothing really exciting, and Gangbang at the Old Folks Home, with a chorus so repetitive it’s really hard to listen to the entire song. Fortunately after that torture the Panther redeem themselves with the excellent mix of Hard Rock and Blues from Ten Strikes You’re Out, which not only has the best instrumental of all but also awesome lyrics.

That’s when all problems really start in All You Can Eat, as the rest of album is pretty much filler and there’s actually nothing we’ll be eager to see them playing live: The Burden of Being Wonderful might have its funny lyrics, but it’s a horrible song overall; Fucking My Heart in the Ass might have a very funny name, but the lyrics are way too repetitive (how many times does he have to say “fucking my heart in the ass”?) and the riffs are too generic; although B.V.S. has a very good riff by Satchel, the lyrics are way too silly (“Big Vagina Syndrome is becoming a common disease / Ladies that have this affliction are never easy to please”? Was that really necessary?); You’re Beautiful When You Don’t Talk is another ballad inspired by some 80’s mellow classics that doesn’t work at all; If I Was the King is more Stoner and has some good moments, but it’s a bit tiring after a couple of minutes; and last but not least, She’s on the Rag is a very generic song that, after the classics Girl From Oklahoma (from Feel The Steel) and Weenie Ride (from Balls Out), makes the ending of the album really disappointing. Where’s that traditional love/sexist ballad to end the album in a magnificent way?

Finally, if there’s one thing that really stands out in All You Can Eat is the album art: it’s just perfect, a true masterpiece, and a serious contender for “Best Album Art of the Year”. In my opinion, only Mel Brooks’ all-time classic History of the World: Part I and the testosterone-fueled movie The Expendables 2 were capable of recreating the Last Supper more brilliantly than the Panther. But as what really matters is the music itself, that doesn’t make All You Can Eat a must-have album in the end. In other words, it’s good, but not what we really wanted to eat.

Best moments of the album: Pussywhipped, Gloryhole and Ten Strikes You’re Out.

Worst moments of the album: Gangbang at the Old Folks Home, The Burden of Being Wonderful, Fucking My Heart in the Ass and She’s on the Rag.

Released in 2014 Kobalt Label Services

Track listing
1. Pussywhipped 4:37
2. Party Like Tomorrow is the End of the World 4:01
3. Gloryhole 4:32
4. Bukkake Tears 4:47
5. Gangbang at the Old Folks Home 3:47
6. Ten Strikes You’re Out 3:24
7. The Burden of Being Wonderful 3:29
8. Fucking My Heart in the Ass 4:14
9. B.V.S. 3:57
10. You’re Beautiful When You Don’t Talk 3:49
11. If I Was the King 3:42
12. She’s on the Rag 3:50

Band members
Michael Starr – lead vocals
Satchel – lead, rhythm and acoustic guitars
Lexxi Foxxx – bass guitar
Stix Zadinia – drums, percussion, piano

 

The Walking Dead Review – Episode 416: A

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It doesn’t matter if you’re a marauder or even a cannibal, always remember not to mess with Sheriff Rick Grimes.

***WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILERS***

If you haven’t seen A yet, I suggest you scroll down to the end of this post first and watch the entire episode before reading the rest of the text.

twd416_01So AMC’s The Walking Dead season 4 is finally over and, after all those flashbacks, introspective moments and just a few minutes of sheer violence (I was expecting a lot more of that, based on what the producers of the show were promising) in the last episode, curiously named only “A”, all fans will have to wait until October to get some extra doses of brutality and lots of answers for many things that were not explained at all, such as where Beth, Carol, Tyreese and Judith are, who will die on the hands of the people at Terminus, and how Rick and the others will escape from that nightmare.

I must admit the first five minutes were awesome, with that flashback showing our beloved hero Hershel back in the day where the prison was still a safe place, always helping everyone with his words of wisdom, and Rick was trying to be more human in order to become a better father, and then Rick covered in blood a totally away from reality. How did Rick reach that point? When did he snap and why? All that tension and mystery already put “A” well above most of the episodes from the second half of season 4, but unfortunately that didn’t last as long as we were all eagerly waiting for.

Of course, that sequence where Joe and his gang finally find Rick, Michonne and Carl, and the vision of Carl almost being raped by one of the marauders turning Rick into a merciless wild beast, was simply amazing. Our sheriff ripping Joe’s throat with his own teeth, like if he was some type of “alive zombie”, was awesome and showed why he and Carl have survived the apocalypse up to now and, of course, proved once again why the walkers are the least dangerous of all their problems. Rick almost surpassed Stallone ripping a guy’s throat with his own hand in the last Rambo movie in terms of bestiality, but let’s admit it’s pretty hard to be more violent and reckless than Mr. John Rambo.

Anyway, as I said, that scene was too short and Rick, Carl, Daryl and Michonne started the last part of their journey to Terminus. That bite surely turned Rick into a different person, and his survival instincts are now stronger than ever, which could be easily seen in each and every moment before and when the group reached the “sanctuary for all”: he left a bag full of weapons outside Terminus (which will most likely be their salvation next season), and he didn’t seem to trust any of the people there, especially this new guy, Gareth. Well, he was more than right, because when creepy Mary and Gareth offer them some food, Rick sees those strangers wearing Maggie’s poncho and Glenn’s vest and watch, and he then realizes that’s no sanctuary at all.

twd416_02But the worst was still to come, when amidst all the shooting Rick notices they were aiming at their feet and that they were not trying to kill them. Do you want to know why? Just think about the meat that Mary was serving them before and you’ll get it (and probably will be disgusted by that). They end up being caught by Gareth and the others members of that dreadful cult and sent to a train wagon, where not surprisingly they reunite with Glenn, Maggie, Bob and Sasha, and get to know Sgt. Abraham Ford, Eugene and Rosita.

And to end this season in a very exciting way, badass Rick doesn’t seem worried at all with the fact that they’re about to become Gareth and his bunch of cannibals’ afternoon snack. “They’re screwing with the wrong people.”, our sheriff said. Any doubts about that?

And this will be the last review about The Walking Dead on this website. Not because the show is not good anymore (it’s still awesome), but because the focus will be exclusively Heavy Metal and Hard Rock. So unless Rick starts listening to AC/DC during his fights against zombies and other humans in the following seasons, like Andrew Lincoln said he does prior to shooting some of his scenes, that’s all, folks.

A (FULL EPISODE)

Album Review – Gamma Ray / Empire Of The Undead (2014)

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1

Gamma Ray return with their unmatched empire of Heavy Metal.

Rating4

CoverAfter a very long and exciting wait, Empire Of The Undead, the new album by German Power Metal masters Gamma Ray is finally among us, and once again the one and only Kai Hansen and his crew deliver us excellent music full of great riffs, nice lyrics, and above all that, lots of passion for what binds us all together. Yes, I’m talking about pure HEAVY METAL. And yes, Germany keeps on rockin’ nonstop in 2014.

As a long-time fan of the band, from the times when Dirk Schlächter was still the guitarist and Ralf Scheepers was still on vocals, I, for one, am a huge advocate of Gamma Ray’s music and style. In my humble opinion, they have reached that same stage bands such as Motörhead, AC/DC and The Ramones have, a stage where changing their music direction would be the major mistake of their lives. Who wants to see to Kai Hansen singing Rap or the band adding any electronic elements to their music? Other less important bands can try that, but Gamma Ray exist to provide us the most traditional heavy music we so much love.

BandTo kick off things in an exceptional way, how about the 9-minute epic tune Avalon, with its excellent solos and harmony, which reminds me of one of their biggest classics, “Rebellion In Dreamland”? Then comes the best, fastest and most awesome song of the album,  the pure fuckin’ metal song Hellbent, with its lyrics and especially chorus being  a tribute to Heavy Metal fans all around the world (“Hellbent for Metal / That’s what we are / Hellbent for Metal / Straight from the heart”). Kai Hansen is not only always amazing on vocals and on the guitar, but he’s also one of the best Heavy Metal poets of all time.

2014_empireoftheundead_cd_300

Empire of the Undead CD Jewelcase

And Empire of the Undead continues in a very enjoyable way, with the excellent Pale Rider with its totally Judas Priest-ish riffs and another awesome performance from the whole band; and Born to Fly,  a very traditional Gamma Ray tune with a great chorus. The following two tracks are not exactly new, as they featured in the Master of Confusion EP, released in the beginning of 2013, but who cares? Both Master of Confusion and Empire of the Undead are powerful songs, with the latest having those classic riffs and guitar solos that explain why Gamma Ray are so fuckin’ awesome. Moreover, I had the pleasure to see them playing both live already last year, and those songs kick some serious ass.

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Empire of the Undead LP

In order to give us some air, Kai & Co. come with the smooth ballad Time for Deliverence, with its beautiful lyrics, and Demonseed, which despite its weird intro and headbanging riffs, is not a very entertaining track; however, the band gets back to their roots with Seven, another classic tune that will surely please all of their fans. And to end this pretty cool album, we have the song I Will Return, which starts with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s famous “I’ll Be Back!” quote, but doesn’t keep up with the same energy level as the previous tracks. And if I were you, I would buy any of the special editions of the album (each with a different front cover color), because all bonus tracks and other stuff are worth the extra money.

In terms of the musicians, kudos to drummer Michael Ehré, as although he had some big shoes to fill he nailed it, and of course to Mr. Kai Hansen, the creator of Power Metal, Helloween and Gamma Ray. Kai is the “Midas” of heavy music: everything he touches becomes GOLD, and that’s valid for Empire of the Undead, another very good release from one of the most influential German bands of all time. May the amazing empire of Heavy Metal built by this great guy “hellbent for Metal” live forever more.

Best moments of the album: Avalon, Hellbent, Pale Rider and Empire of the Undead.

Worst moments of the album: Demonseed and I Will Return.

Released in 2014 earMUSIC

Track listing
1. Avalon 9:21
2. Hellbent 5:23
3. Pale Rider 4:24
4. Born to Fly 4:32
5. Master of Confusion 4:55
6. Empire of the Undead 4:26
7. Time for Deliverence 5:11
8. Demonseed 6:39
9. Seven 5:07
10. I Will Return 6:56

European bonus track
11. Built a World 4:23

Limited Edition Digipack bonus tracks
12. Avalon (Live from Studio) 9:52
13. The Spirit (Live from Studio) 4:19
14. Empire of the Undead (Live from Studio) 4:27

Band members
Kai Hansen – lead vocals, rhythm & lead guitar
Henjo Richter – lead & rhythm guitar, keyboards
Dirk Schlächter – bass
Michael Ehré – drums

Album Review – Sonata Arctica / Pariah’s Child (2014)

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5

What in the name of Ukko is this garbage?

Rating10

pariahs_childAccording to the Merrian-Webster Online Dictionary,  the definition of the word shame can be “a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety”, “a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute”, or “something that brings censure or reproach; something to be regretted”. However, there should be a new item added to this list: the new album from Finnish Power Metal band Sonata Arctica, the horrible Pariah’s Child.

Honestly, I don’t even know where to start, or even if I should start talking about what was supposed to be called “music” in Pariah’s Child. It’s not Heavy Metal, Power Metal, Hard Rock, or even basic Rock N’ Roll, it’s just pure garbage that will make your ears bleed of annoyance if you don’t stay away from what is a serious contender for “worst album of the year”. There’s some blah blah blah that Pariah’s Child marks the return of wolf-themed songs, that “wolf” is a metaphor for fear, that it’s “old” Sonata, but nothing really works in this shameful disgrace. Instead of keeping drinking some good old Koskenkorva Viina, it seems Tony Kakko had a really bad trip with counterfeit LSD.

You might be deceived by The Wolves Die Young, which not a terrible way to start (even with that irritating sound from the keyboards), and think I’m exaggerating when I say the whole album sucks, but after listening to the “happy garbage” Running Lights, the most generic thing you can find in the world of heavy music (especially the totally forgettable guitar solos), and the even worse Take One Breath, you’ll start asking yourself “what the fuck is this shit?”, or even screaming out loud “please, make them stop!”

Still not convinced? Well, even if you have ears of steel like the Superman, the “kryptonite” song Cloud Factory will take care of it and make them explode, so stupid and boring this thing (which some people dare to call a song) is. Or maybe after listening to the more than awful Blood you might considering burning all your Heavy Metal albums and become a monk in Tibet, where the only thing you’ll hear is beautiful SILENCE.

sonata_arcticaBut believe me, as incredible as it may sound, the last part of Pariah’s Child gets A LOT worse than that. What Did You Do in the War, Dad? with its cheesy lyrics is so bad, but so bad, that I have no words to describe it; Half a Marathon Man is a totally failed Hard Rock attempt (it’s NOT a beautiful day!); and X Marks the Spot is pure nonsense and, more important than that, a warning to stop listening to the album before things get even more nightmarish.

If you love Sonata Arctica more than your life and didn’t get the warning from the previous song, then it’s your fault you’ll have to listen to the mellow torture called Love. I think even Ukko, the High God of the sky, weather, harvest and thunder in Finnish mythology, would cut his wrists and blood would rain over Finland after listening to this trash! And finally comes Larger Than Life, a 10-minute torment that in the hands of a supreme tyrant like Kim Jong-un could be used as the most powerful torture device ever seen in the history of mankind.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Finnish Metal and was really expecting with an open heart another good album from this decent band from the land of ice and snow, but in this case it’s impossible not to hate every single minute of this shit. I’m just giving Pariah’s Child a 0.5 for some respect I have for Sonata Arctica’s old stuff and for the band members being nice guys, because it actually deserved a HUGE FUCKIN’ ZERO. Not even the well-done album art showing a lonely wolf (or a pariah) saves it. Unfortunately that’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but a very sad and shameful truth.

Best moments of the album: A few parts of The Wolves Die Young are somewhat acceptable.

Worst moments of the album: Everything else. Pariah’s Child is a total nightmare.

Released in 2014 Nuclear Blast

Track listing
1. The Wolves Die Young 4:13
2. Running Lights 4:26
3. Take One Breath 4:19
4. Cloud Factory 4:17
5. Blood 5:54
6. What Did You Do in the War, Dad? 5:13
7. Half a Marathon Man 5:43
8. X Marks the Spot 5:20
9. Love 3:50
10. Larger Than Life 9:57

Band members
Tony Kakko – vocals
Elias Viljanen – guitar
Pasi Kauppinen – bass guitar
Henrik Klingenberg – keyboards
Tommy Portimo – drums

Album Review – Motorjesus / Electric Revelation (2014)

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3

In Hard Rock We Trust.

Rating4

Motorjesus_Electric RevelationWhen you put together heavy music, beer, Jägermeister and talented musicians, the result is usually pretty good, and that’s what happens with German Heavy Metal/Hard Rock band Motorjesus. They used to be The Shitheadz until 2006, when they had to change their name due to censorship, but it doesn’t seem they ended up chosen a name less controversial than “Shitheadz”. Anyway, their new “concept” album, Electric Revelation, is a really good alternative for fans of Anthrax, Pantera, Motörhead and any other bands perfect for motorbikers and beer drinkers.

And I’m not kidding when I call this a concept album, even if it’s extremely hard to imagine this type of band trying to add a storyline to their album: how about all songs and the amazing album art being inspired by the story of a fictitious (or not) character called Motorjesus? If you’re a religious person that enjoys Heavy Metal you shouldn’t be mad at the band for doing this. Consider this a tribute Motorjesus is paying to the religious figure of Jesus Christ (it even sounds like White Metal sometimes), but with the mighty power that comes from Heavy Metal amps.

What other name could have been given to the motorized intro if not The Arrival? Got it now? Anyway, the first real song of the album, the amazing Trouble in Motor City,  seems to be totally inspired by the great classics from Motörhead and Anthrax, especially those Hard Rock riffs we all love so much, while the next track, The Run, has some damn heavy bass lines and is pure Stoner Rock. And pay attention to the lyrics, you’ll enjoy them a lot (“Raise your dead from the sleep / There’s a sacrament to keep / After all dead and gone / There’s an army of one…”).

Honestly, I’ve never heard a song with “beast” in its name that’s not badass, as for example Iron Maiden’s “The Number of the Beast”, Exodus’ “Strike of the Beast”, Cradle of Filth’s “Beast of Extermination”, Rob Zombie’s “Superbeast” and so on, and the same can be said about Speed of the Beast, a very fast tune tailored for hitting the road with some excellent guitar solos. Then we have Back in the Action Car with its “Long Live Rock N’ Roll” type of riff and a very 80’s Heavy Metal approach, and the semi-ballad Rust, an average song that’s not memorable at all.

MotorjesusThe “ceremony” goes on with 100.000 Volt Survivor, which despite having another good classic riff, falls flat after a while, and the awesome title-track Electric Revelation, one of the best tracks of the album with highlights to the pretty cool bass intro from Roman Jasiczak. Midnight Rider, a heavy song that will please all fans for sure, sounds inspired by some old Anthrax tracks, and The Warning is another good example of how traditional Hard Rock should be done.

In my opinion, the last three tracks of the album are the ones with the most creative and interesting lyrics: Ressurection Man could be easily turned into a true religious song if all the heavy riffs and drums were removed from it; Dead Army offers a little more of that Motörhead sonority, with a great job done by singer Chris “Howling” Birx; and The Right Hand of the Devil was made for banging our fuckin’ heads while listening to the important “message” in it.

To sum up, another excellent album that comes from Germany in 2014, but this time with a total American Hard Rock approach instead of that traditional German Power Metal we all know, making it an excellent alternative for hard rockers searching for new music. If you think Rock is dead, bands like this one are here to prove you wrong. Because while Jesus saves, Motorjesus rock.

Best moments of the album: Trouble in Motor City, The Run, Speed of the Beast and Electric Revelation.

Worst moments of the album: Rust and 100.000 Volt Survivor.

Released in 2014 Drakkar Records

Track listing
1. The Arrival (Intro) 0:40
2. Trouble in Motor City 3:35
3. The Run 4:06
4. Speed of the Beast 4:03
5. Back in the Action Car 3:10
6. Rust 4:52
7. 100.000 Volt Survivor 5:12
8. Electric Revelation 4:03
9. Midnight Rider 4:08
10. The Warning 3:21
11. Ressurection Man 4:20
12. Dead Army 3:52
13. The Right Hand of the Devil 4:01

Band members
Chris Birx – vocals
Guido Reuss – guitar
Andreas Peters – guitar
Roman Jasiczak – bass
Oliver Beck – drums